Just Say No to Nurturing the Narrative
When we don’t talk, we spin a story and nurture a narrative that seems true but might miss the mark. That story and its assumptions? Just guesses. Without talking it out, we don’t know what’s real. Is that a good basis for taking action? There’s a better way than sticking to the story and nurturing the narrative.
The Narrative
Imagine a colleague, Celine, seems distant and unresponsive in meetings. You start to nurture the narrative that Celine doesn’t respect your ideas or value your input. This narrative feels quite logical. But isn’t it really just an assumption?
Instead of risking an uncomfortable conversation, you nurture the narrative. You fuel it, stew on it and resentment builds. Worse, you start talking to co-workers. “You know, Celine is just off in her own world. I’m tired of coming up with ideas just to feel like I’m talking to a wall. I bet she’s looking for a new job and has just checked out of here.” And then you start to treat her as irrelevant which is going to generate a reaction from her—and it won’t be a good one.
The Truth
Celine is overwhelmed with a personal issue and not aware of how she’s coming across. How do you know this? Because you asked! “Hey, I might be wrong, but it seems like you’ve become kind of distant. I’m worried that you may not value my input any longer. Is there something to that?” Celine looked surprised. “Oh my word. No! I’m so sorry I gave you that impression. Please know, I’ve got something going on with my daughter and it’s taking over my attention right now.”
When narratives are nurtured, they expand. You went from thinking Celine might no longer respect your ideas to she’s leaving the company! By talking, you discover the real reason and can adjust your approach and avoiding unnecessary tension, misunderstandings and gossip.
How to say No to Nurturing the Narrative
1 Observe behavior/statements that are concerning. Name them as objectively as you can.
2 Recognize when if you start to create a story about that observation. Ask yourself what assumptions must be true for that story to be accurate.
3 Stop spinning the story, adding to it, nurturing it, talking about it to others. It only makes it worse, and you may be wasting energy on something only slightly accurate. Yes, you’ve been wrong before haven’t you?!
4 Brave a conversation:
a. State your observations
b. Be honest about your assumptions
c. State how you feel
d. Express openness to refining your understanding and narrative
5 Step back and adjust what you’ll do with this new understanding now that you’ve nixed the narrative. Does it change your desired outcome? Does it ask of you a more whole-hearted, nuanced response in return?
How does this work in a real situation?
You notice your spouse spending more time on his phone and less talking with you (a. observation) You recognize that you are starting to create a story that he’s losing interest in the relationship or avoiding you (b. assumptions). It seems to fit the facts. So fine, you think. He’s no peach either some days. But then you nix the narrative you are starting to fuel. You want to react and pull back too (c. feel). You know you could make plans with friends, and unload on them, or hole up with a book and shut the door. But you don’t do that. Instead, you look for an opportunity to brave a conversation (d. open to understanding).
You tell him, “You’re not talking to me much these days (a. observation) and I’m assuming you are avoiding me for some reason (b. assumption) and honestly, I guess my real fear is you’re losing interest in me, in us (c. feel). I realize that I am making these assumptions, and I want to check that with you (d. open to understanding). Because I’m feeling a little sad and even lonely and I’m starting to get angry if I’m honest.”
In Reality
He’s planning a surprise anniversary trip and coordinating with friends and family. By nurturing a narrative rather than talking about it, the gap would have widened, and tension would have grown. You almost let a false narrative damage your connection, but you braved a conversation instead.
But what if the reality is closer to your narrative?
What if the assumptions you made weren’t totally off? By checking your narrative early and seeking confirmation or denial, you avoided taking reactive, even punishing, action (shutting him off, spending time out with friends) that make the conversation you eventually have to face that much more tense. After all, it’s not likely that your assumptions were all 100% spot on. And ultimately, when we are brave, we actually prefer to know the truth.
Wishing you wisdom,
Deborah
