Pilot the Plane Anyways

“You got the plane?” The instructor asked my 17 year-old grandson, Andrew, as we took off the runway. It was his first time in a small plane.

 Wait, what?

“I’ve got the plane” Andrew confidently responded. “You’ve got the plane” the instructor confirmed.

Does it ever feel like you’ve “got the plane” and you don’t know how to fly? We all do at times. While a passenger in the back of a Piper F-150, watching my grandson both scared and excited to be flying a plane, I learned a few lessons that can also be applied to life and the divorce process.

Flying Lessons:

1. Choose your flight instructor.

   I asked a client, also a pilot and airplane mechanic, for a recommendation. They suggested Kevin. Educated, experienced, super knowledgeable and a great teacher. Making him the perfect instructor and co-pilot for our journey.

   Choosing a trusted flight instructor is like choosing your lawyer. When someone tells me his mother, best friend, co-worker, pastor, brother or other expert said they must do this or that in their divorce, I like to ask, “Where did he/she go to law school?” Get legal advice from your lawyer(educated, experienced, and super knowledgeable). Get love and support from all the others who want to be there for you.

2. Choose your take-off date.

   The first date we booked the flight, ended up being overcast, and the pilot said we wouldn’t see a lot. We flexed, rebooked and had a clear view across Lake Michigan, over our house and The Box Factory for the Arts.

   If you are considering a major life decision, don’t be reactive and make declarations in the heat of anger (“I’ll see you in court” is never a good way to start a divorce). Calm down, think it through, talk to a therapist and a good solutions-focused lawyer for your options. Determine the best date to rationally and calmly state your decision to your spouse and others.

3. Have your preflight list and check it.

   I’d heard that pilots always have a pre-flight checklist, and no matter how many hours they’ve logged, they take it out, read it and check all the things. I saw Kevin do exactly that.

   If you are flying into the unknown, find or create your own pre-flight checklist. Google “How to prepare for…” whatever it is you face. Talk to people who have done it well. Binge the topic on YouTube. And begin to create your own preflight checklist so when you call the lawyer or whoever will be in the cockpit with you, you are methodical and know all the boxes have been checked. Alternatively, if that all sounds overwhelming, call the professional first and co-create the preflight list you want to check and recheck along the way.

4. Pack your bag.

   On the seat next to me was a pilot bag, stuffed with a water bottle, clip board, and I don’t know what all! But Kevin clearly didn’t set off, even for this routine, short flight, without his gear.

   So, what do you need in your bag as you embark? What are those things that support, encourage and nourish you? Make sure they are in your bag. Book a massage, get sleep, eat good-for-you-food, drink less alcohol and more water, read inspiring works, have that friend on standby that will support and challenge you (both are needed from a good friend), take a weekend away for some solitude and silence. Whatever it is that restores and recharges you, make packing your bag a priority.

5. Clearly communicate with your instructor and passenger.

   It wasn’t enough for Kevin to say to Andrew, “I’m turning the plane over to you.” Instead, he 1) declared his intention, 2) it was accepted and, 3) the status was confirmed. And the passenger could hear—and understand—that transfer of control too.

   I think there are good principles here no matter what kind of life change you are making. Other people are passengers on your journey, involved and affected. “Clarity is King” as they say.

   This is particularly important when the others impacted are under stress too.

6. Know where you want to go.

   We knew some markers we wanted to see from the air. It was a thrill to fly over my rose garden from the air and to see the St. Joseph lighthouse.

   You and your lawyer need to know where you want to go! Do you want a divorce that fosters cooperation and respect? Do you just want information on your way to a decision about preserving or ending the marriage? Or do you to battle it out in court? As Steven Covey says, “Begin with the end in mind.”

7. Enjoy the trip.

   We didn’t know what to expect really. I don’t think Andrew knew he’d actually take control of the plane. I certainly didn’t! But we had a blast. We created an experience, made memories and thoroughly enjoyed it! I know people who would have gifted this experience for a child or grandchild, but would have white-knuckled it the whole time. They would have been afraid to look out the window and couldn’t wait for the moment the plane would be back on the ground and they’d go home.

Maybe divorce isn’t the trip you’d choose to gift or take yourself. But life, and especially big life changes, are a trip that can be terrifying and yet still beautiful. Change always, 100% of the time, means opportunity for both terror and growth. Even on the darkest days or scariest journey, there really are good moments to savor. Keep looking out the window. They are there.

Wishing you wisdom,

Deborah