Setting the Stage for A Courageous Conversation

 The most powerful way that anybody can lead is by example. Michael Hyatt

You’re about to walk into a courageous conversation with your (ex)spouse, your child, a family member, a friend, your boss, or a co-worker…Ugh. You expect it to be a doozy. You have had it–or you know the other has. Either way, you’re pretty sure it could go all kinds of wrong.

But what if you could make it go all kinds of right instead?

Let’s Set the Stage for a Courageous Conversation and use Conflict as Catalyst^TM

Timing

For You. If someone brings a difficult issue to you,  it may be a good time for them but not necessarily for you.  If they catch you in the hallway, on your way to a meeting, or taps on your office door when you are right in the middle of a project with a tight deadline, it likely is not the best time to give your full attention and best effort to them or their issue.  Consider asking if this is an emergency or could it wait until you can give it the attention it deserves.

• Pro Tip: preface your request for a delay with a positive reason (I want to be sure we won’t be interrupted and not with an air of frustration or irritation.

For Them. If you are the one with a difficult issue to discuss, just ask.  “I would like to talk with you about something but want to make sure it’s a good time for you. Would now or sometime later work?”

• Pro Tip: Don’t be coy. This probably raises the hairs on the other’s neck. So consider adding, “It’s something that I think we’ll both benefit from thinking about and sorting through and I know we will.”

 Emotions and Timing: One element of inspired timing is based on emotions. Yours and the others. If the other is visibly angry and highly emotional, don’t brush them off. Rather, see the state they are in and let them know they are seen. And then create some space between their emotional state and your conversation about what has them so riled. If appropriate, suggest a “walk about” to cool the emotions, reduce volatility, and increase the likelihood of a rational and successful outcome.  Remember that anyone in a highly agitated state is likely in fight or flight mode and will not be able to personally navigate a productive conversation very well anyway.

To introduce a “walk about” without making the other person feel put off, patronized, or insulted, be sure to focus on the benefits to them. “Sara, I can see you are upset and know this means a great deal to you.  I want to understand and help if I can. I think it would help you to communicate the issue and me to hear and understand if we gave ourselves a minute, maybe even a quick walk around the house/building to set the best stage for what seems like an important conversation. Can we do that and meet back her in 10 minutes?”  You might even suggest some deep breaths, focusing on the outcome they want, and visualization of a positive outcome while on their short walk.  This can work wonders for resetting the emotional state and creating space for a more reasonable and creative conversation upon their return.

• Pro Tip: This also works when you are the one in a highly emotional state. Discipline yourself to do a quick body scan before asking someone to have a courageous conversation, take a walk-about, and make sure you self-regulate your own emotions too.

Physical Environment

•  The physical space where a courageous conversation happens is important. Think about privacy (both real and perceived), comfort, noise, and appropriateness.  The more relaxed the environment, the more relaxed the conversation.  The greater the sense of privacy, the more likely there will be transparency, honesty, and vulnerability.  The less noise, interruptions, and distractions, the more focused and efficient the conversation.

• Control the Environment

  • Shut doors and shades. Communicate a “do not disturb” message to other employees or family members.  Place the phones on silent and remove completely from sight if possible so you are not tempted to look at them during the conversation.
  • Positioning is one of the most overlooked and yet impactful and easy to implement tactics to set you up for a successful conversation.  First, get at eye level. Our brains have evolved to pay close attention to eye contact and the signals and messages it conveys in a conversation. There is plenty of research and evidence to support the usefulness of level eye contact.  A new study published in the Journal of General Internal Medicine suggests that when doctors positioned themselves at a patient’s eye level when talking with them about their diagnosis or care, they created more trust, patient satisfaction, and even better clinical outcomes than when they conduct the same conversation while standing above the patient.
  • Research also shows that when at eye level, we pay more attention to communication and have greater recall from someone who is looking at us rather than someone with an averted gaze. A natural human response to eye contact is a deceleration in heart rate and increased empathy in both parties.

Distractions

At my house, we have a rule of no cell phones on the table. Even if the ringer is off, having it on the table signals there could potentially be something more interesting or important than our conversation and time together.  We do this in an effort to eliminate distractions and increase our focus on being truly present with one another.  The same is true in any courageous conversation.  If you want the other person to feel you are present, remove any distractions or interruptions within your control.  Turn off your computer screen, close the door.  Do anything you can to communicate that you are present and focused.

Relax and maybe even… smile

What?  Smile?  It’s conflict.  Who wants to smile in conflict?  A lot of times, you won’t want to, or it won’t make sense to.  And I am not talking about putting on a cheesy cheshire cat grin toward someone who is upset.  But relaxing your body, taking a deep breath, and kindly, tenderly smiling into the emotional space can be quite settling especially when someone is bringing this conversation to you.  I have heard some people refer to this as “smiling with your eyes.”  It is just one more tool to create a relaxed and conducive environment for using Conflict as Catalyst^TM.

Think about Setting the Stage before going into your next Courageous Conversation.

Wishing you wisdom,

Deborah

[i] With the author’s permission, I have taken huge liberties (final paragraph is wholly lifted for example) with a soon-to-be-released book with the working title, Lead Like A Lion. Unleash Your Team with Courageous Conversations by Katherine Eitel Belt. Katherine is the conversation czar in my opinion. I’ve just scratched the surface with what this book will provide. I promise I’ll alert you when it’s available. In the meantime, you can learn more about her at https://www.lionspeak.net.