“Once you’ve had your life burn down, it takes time to be a phoenix.” So says Sharon Stone in the Feb/Mar 2012 issue of AARP Magazine. (Okay, we’ll leave aside the discomfort I feel both reading this magazine and seeing Sharon Stone on its cover!). At the darkest moments, divorce or health issues or loss of a parent–all issues Stone dealt with over the past decade–these life transitions can make it seem like where once a life existed, now only ashes remain. A life burned down.

Developing patience in children has been a topic this week with the release of a book on French parenting, Bringing Up Bébé. But I have worked with clients who become impatient with themselves, their spouses and family and friends. They want the pain to end and the divorce process to be closed. They want their spouse to accept the end of the relationship (and sometimes want acceptance of new relationships) and they want life back to normal. All understandable longings.

But I’ve also worked with clients who lean into the transition and the pain associated with it. Who take long walks and spend time alone journaling and meditating and thinking about what’s happening now in their lives and how they want to intentionally shape the future. Who allow for what this day brings and look for the lesson they can learn from it. Who are brave enough to spend time with a good therapist to explore the meaning of this life transition and how it came to be. Who resist the appeal of blaming and finding fault with another. Who understand that the spouse they have been so hurt by, or with whom they are so angry, is also going through a challenging adjustment.

It is these “patient people” who eventually rise like the proverbial phoenix. Who seem deeply content ultimately. Who’ve been able to extend grace and forgiveness to themselves, their spouses, children and friends. Who have a certain freedom that comes from having arisen from the ashes, sprouting wings, and knowing the feeling of flying again.

How do you choose to be one of these people? How do you avoid becoming the bitter, miserable “ex” that no one really wants to be around? I think it first comes by defining the end-game. Where do you want to be two years from now? Do you want a civil, relatively stress-free relationship with your former spouse? Do you want to actually learn and grow from this major life transition? Then surround yourself by people who will support those goals. Ask friends and family to help you make this a good divorce. Choose professionals (therapists, lawyers, financial specialists) who are skilled in problem-solving and understand that there’s a future life you’re shaping for yourself and your children. Read books that support the emergence of that phoenix you can be, arising from the fire stronger, more beautiful, more alive than you thought possible. Because it is possible–with a little patience.

Wishing you wisdom,

Deborah Bennett Berecz

And since 98%–yes 98% of cases settle without the judge ever hearing any testimony or even meeting the spouses, the desire to have a judge declare one’s spouse wrong and you the wronged is almost never realized. And yet, in the traditional adversarial system, people spend a lot of time, energy and money preparing for a trial that isn’t going to happen–unless you’re a lawyer who knows better!

You can read the full article at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/j-richard-kulerski/what-do-divorce-lawyers-d_b_1252868.html. If out-of-court processes such as Collaboration and Mediation are what divorce lawyers are choosing for themselves, maybe it’s the right process for you as well.

Wishing you wisdom,

Deborah Bennett Berecz

I read Rob Bell’s letter to his church of 10K+ members, Mars Hill Bible Church in Grand Rapids. It was his last message to the church he founded but was leaving this month, January 2012. He wrote about the grief he and the church were going to feel:

“any change, even if it’s good, is always a form of loss, and loss must be grieved. that’s the only way it works. stuff it, deny it, repress or suppress it and it will come back to haunt you, it will lurk in the shadows and it will resurface later.

your grief then, is a sign of health. it demonstrates an awareness of your interiors, your heart, and your desire to face and embrace what’s actually going on inside of you.”

I encounter genuine bravery from my clients who choose to embrace and process the grief and anger that accompanies every divorce. The people I’m privileged to work with in Collaborative law and mediation have chosen not to deny it (“I never really loved him/her”) or give in to the fear (“I was scared so I withdrew all the funds in our savings account”) or seek to punish (“S/He wanted this divorce and I’m going to get everything I have coming to me”).

Instead they bravely “face and embrace what’s actually going on inside.” It’s not easy. It’s not done artfully or gracefully at times. God knows I was not always those things in my own divorce! But my clients work with professionals who understand the importance of not suppressing the pain and who help guide them to and through that scary place. Divorce coaches, financial specialists, Collaboratively trained lawyers, child specialists and therapists. My clients, so worthy of admiration, take responsibility themselves rather than looking for a gladiator to charge in, take over, and do the hard work for them.

If you choose Collaborative process or mediation, it may be harder work. But the potential for this miserable business to “come back to haunt you…lurk in the shadows…and resurface later” is substantially lower because you’ve been willing to confront it, deal with it now. I call that “Good Grief.”

Wishing you wisdom–and a good grief,

Big surprise: the world looks different through each protagonist’s eyes. Listening to the first story, it’s convincing and compelling and must certainly be correct, right? But then you hear another participant’s views. And his or hers is equally convincing and compelling and feels true and correct.

I’ve mediated or collaborated on hundreds of cases. Sometimes, when listening to the perspective of one spouse, I’ll wonder if I can even like the other party! He or she must just be awful. And then I have my individual consult with that other party. And this story is equally painful and compelling and I feel empathy for him or her as well. Had I heard it first, I may have questioned my ability to be neutral in the other direction!

So I’ve learned. I don’t judge and I no longer feel the need to determine where the real truth lies. One’s truth is one’s truth. Valid, compelling and true–for the speaker. The other’s viewpoint is equally valid, compelling and true for him or her. More arguing about a past event is unlikely to convince the other that his or her viewpoint is not valid. So where do you go from here?

A sign of maturity is the ability to make space for another perspective. To understand that just because the other sees the situation differently does not mean that either of you is wrong. So rather than insisting that your version of events is the correct and true one, ask this question: Given that we each feel the way we do about the past, how do we shape the future to maximize peace for our own sanity and the well-being of our children?

Peace feels better than being right any day of the week.

So what’s on your reading list?

Wishing you wisdom,

Deborah

“Children will do best if they know that their mother and father will still be their parents and remain involved with them even though the marriage is ending and the parents won’t live together. Long custody disputes or pressure on a child to “choose” sides can be particularly harmful for the youngster and can add to the damage of the divorce. Research shows that children do best when parents can cooperate on behalf of the child.”

Assisting parents in cooperating with one another is the goal of the Collaborative Process and Mediation. If you are facing divorce, with all the accompanying fears, distrust and anger, you and your spouse can still process through such challenging emotions without destroying one another–and thereby your children. It’s just a matter of connecting up with the right resources. Learn all you can about litigation, mediation and the Collaborative process. Then ask, which one would allow us to achieve the goals identified by the Am. Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry? This organization’s full fact sheet can be found at http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_and_divorce.

Wishing you wisdom,

Deborah Bennett Berecz

Collaborative Lawyer and Mediator

Grand Rapids and St. Joseph, MI

“Bottom line in all cases is this: It’s a crap shoot the moment you
walk through the courthouse door with witnesses instead of a settlement.
Settlements are managed certainty based on the best guesses of the
parties who ought to know them.  Trials are the judge’s best guess
with a lot less time spent on your particular case than the parties
have spent. Logic mitigates towards settlement as most likely to
produce a result a client will be satisfied with, given the alternative.“  John Mertz

So true John. Settlements are “managed certainty.” Will it be a perfect outcome if you and your spouse settle? No. What you will have avoided however, is the “crap shoot” of submitting control over the most important decisions in your life to a stranger in a robe. Why does s/he know your children or finances or needs better than you and your spouse? It’s harder work now but you may also avoid turning into those people who find themselves back in court every two or three years because the battle just won’t end.

You deserve better. And so do your children.

Wishing you wisdom,

Deborah

rand Rapids has a unique opportunity for people just beginning to consider divorce. Scheduled every Third Thursday of the month, a clinical psychologist, certified divorce financial planner, and I will address the Myths & Realities of Divorce from 6-9 pm. We look at the full range of complexities one faces when considering divorce. How do we tell the kids? How is child support determined? Who will keep the home?

Divorce is a major life transition. It’s confusing. And it’s amazing how many “experts” pop up when you mention you are thinking about divorce! But the first step in understanding your options is to GET INFORMED. And the best place to get informed is with the real experts–people who actually went to law school, got a Ph.D. in psychology, and certifications in financial planning.

Check out divorceseminar.org for more information. We’ll see you next on November 17 at the Forest Hill Community Center. Pre-registration is required.